Banned from zoo.
Again?
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
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