He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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