Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Randomize
