i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
i think i just lost a toe
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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