I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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