tonight lets celebrate not being married
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
