I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
