On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Randomize
