he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
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