remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
