You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
