Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
