I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
