...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
