Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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