Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
