So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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