I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
