this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
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