I bet he comes in French.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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