I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Randomize
