I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
