i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
