after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
