The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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