you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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