remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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