I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
