I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
he was CRYING into my vagina
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
im calling her cock vulture from now on
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Randomize
