i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Randomize
