Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
