Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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