I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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