do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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