and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
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