oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Randomize
