I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
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