creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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