I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
