my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
