Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
