My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Randomize
