i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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