God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
