dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
