oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
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