I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
