Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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