theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Less talking, more tequila
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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