Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
