The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize