Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I'm too high and old for this...
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
