New invention idea: vibrating tampons
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Randomize
