My Higher Power is John Stamos
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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