Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
