Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
