They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
