I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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