brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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