So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
Randomize
