260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
